Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Imagine That!

Last night I was watching the local news when Mike's eyes started closing. They were about three quarters shut when suddenly President Bush came on. It looked like a normal press conference with all the White House press corp in attendance. But I couldn't remember any anouncements of any upcoming press conferences. The President made a statement about the rightness of his eavesdropping policy and then took questions.

The first question was one I didn't expect and I think was rather rude.

"Mr. President, why are you so hostile to the press?" The President paused for a few seconds and then said:
"I don't think I'v been hostile at all. In fact, there are those who would disagree with you and claim it's the other way around. But since you asked, I would like to tell you how I see news reporters in general. See, to me news reporters are akin to pizza delivery guys. When a pizza delivery guy is on my porch, I give him the money and he gives me the pizza and he leaves. He does not stand on my porch and give me an in-depth analysis of the nature of pepperoni and how it should be digested. That's not what I'm paying him for. It's also not what his boss is paying him for. Now if I call his boss and ask if it's ok for the guy to give me such an analysis, I'm sure he would agree, for a fee of course.

See, if I turn on the TV and want to watch a talk show on the nature of pepperoni, I would expect the discussion panel to be comprised of pepperoni experts like pepperoni producers or university pepperoni professors or some such, but not pizza delivery guys. That's why, when I watch a panel discussion on say, inflation I would expect to see economists, bankers and the like--not news reporters. I would usually change chanels and watch 'Friends' or something.

"You see young man, you and I, here in this building, are making a news pizza. And when we're done you'll take it back to your editors. They will look at it and perhaps move a piece of pepperoni from here to there or an olive slice from there to here--because that's what editors do you know, and submit it to his customers.

"In our system of the division of labor, every person has a chance to fill a special little niche. And if he does it well he deserves the utmost respect. That is why I hold the pizza delivery guy in such high esteem. Can you imagine an America without the pizza delivery guy?" (America the Beautiful music starts playing in the background)

"Why he's the guy who makes it possible for the elderly, the infirm, the disabled to have steaming hot food delivered right to their door. And the rest of us healthy folk get to watch the game AND the pregame show. He is the one who goes out and battles the wind and rain and sleet and freezing cold and snow and sometimes suffocating heat and traffic so that you and I don't have to. And he does all this for a lousy buck or two tip. What heroism!

(music stops)

"So you see young man, when I liken news reporters to pizza delivery guys, I only do so with the highest respect."

"Mr. President," said the young reporter, "I apologise for any disrespect I may have conveyed."

"Accepted" said the president to the sound of applause from the rest of the press pool.

"So now lets get back to the business of..."

"Michael" "MICHAEL! Wake up. You fell asleep watching TV again" said Mrs. Eyes.

"Damn" A Dream! Oh Well. I told Mrs Eyes all about it then announced I was going straight to bed.

"Why so early?" she asked.

"Because I want to try and get back into that dream."

"What on earth for?"

"Because I want to see what all the talk shows have to say about Bush's speech."

"Oh for heavens sake" she said.

"Goodnight!"





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